Holy shit, they did it. They wrote the headline.
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12 years earlier.
‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens
ISLA VISTA, CA—In the days following a violent rampage in southern California in which a lone attacker killed seven individuals, including himself, and seriously injured over a dozen others, citizens ...
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Funny how most other countries don’t have these. Maybe gun control works.
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SUE FOR PLAGIARISM. YOU KNOW THEY KNOW.
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Always determined to render itself irrelevant.
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Nearly? Wasn’t he carrying an M-16? That is a military grade weapon, and illegal for civilians. Perhaps stricter gun laws, deeper background checks, and cracking down on illegal weapons could have prevented it? But I guess kidnapping brown people is more important 🤷🏻♀️
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Yes because it's totally not the lack of federal gun control laws or Investment in mental health care
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They nearly wrote the impossible headline
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SUE!
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Get rid of the fucking guns.
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History of mental health issues but still given a concealed permit.
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Death Inevitable, Experts Say
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That thing that happens nowhere but the United States was impossible to prevent.
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I think its actually pretty based to do nothing in regards to the safety of corporate execs(especially one of the more evil corps) and cops
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Will you be suing them for plagiarism?
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That office full of typing chimps is getting closer to finishing their great work.
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Did anyone else notice the Adam's rambling open at the press conference sounded like a campaign speech or that the NYPD cap he wore seemed to be melting into a "Dark Gothic MAGA" hat?
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"Death is the fate that awaits all Men . . . sometimes at the end of a barrel held by another man. 🤷" - New York Times
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Once we watched Sandy Hook happen & nothing changed, nothing ever will
Dozens of little children were butchered & we did nothing
We have more guns than people in America, this is never going to change
So glad this is the reality for our country moving forward, with mass shootings never ending
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Yeah, given the current circumstances, given the current laws, given the current government, no mass shooting can be prevented.
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Yeah, maybe if someone in government actually prioritized a strategy/response/long-time-vision to address gun violence, like they are prioritizing ICE raids and sending people of color to concentration camps, this might be preventable.
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omg FUCK. OFF. with this shit! You and your pub write better more legitimate headlines in your sleep
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It’s impossible because we give any nut-job the right to buy a AR-15 no questions asked. 🤬
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Anything that happens had a 100% chance of happening or a 0% chance of not happening. This reflects just how stupid we have become in our relentless efforts to avoid responsibility for the immoral stupidity of a humanity that is destroying itself.
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O M F G. It’s the gun$.
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¹
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Poe's law is alive and well I see.
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Except in all the other countries where it doesn’t happen.
American exceptionalism at its worst.
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Congratulations!
I hate it here. This is terrible.
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Next Onion Headline be all, "'No Way to Prevent-Woah wait we're suing,' says only Newspaper where this headline used to be exclusive"
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Hahaha the one right next to the police station?
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Meanwhile, in Germany, from 2010 thru 2020, there were a TOTAL of 132 shooting deaths involving police officers. That’s 0.0361347 per day. Thoughts and prayers to the 0.0361347 of a person who dies today. If only it could’ve been prevented….
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Only in AmeriKKKa - nowhere else - let that sink in
ONLY IN AMERIKKKA
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LIES
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Well, if you assume that we can’t do what other countries do and BAN THE ASSAULT WEAPONS, then there isn’t a way to prevent killings. 🤷♀️
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Fucking washouts
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Nearly impossible ? The guy wasn't using a slingshot, for f_ck's sake.
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"but if they take our guns they are gonna be massive shankers like in the uk"
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A ban assault weapons would have.
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Are you going to have to retire the headline now the way we had to retire “Thanks, Obama” after Obama said it
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Wow.
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One of the all-time classic Onion headlines, right there in the one-time paper of record. Perfect. And perfectly depressing.
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6 and a half billion per year to NYPD certainly didn't prevent it
what does that tell all of you?
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I know this is ironic and funny but it’s also so incredibly depressing
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A person known to have mental illness fucking walked down a street in broad daylight with an assault rifle and “there was no way to prevent this” FUCKING BULLSHIT
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Stealing your gig, man!
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en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%27No_W...
'No Way to Prevent This,' Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens - Wikipedia
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Absolutely no way to prevent it...🤷🏼♂️ *Peruses UK gun laws *
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Dumb dumb dumb
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Sue them. Pleeeeeease sue them for plagiarism.
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Congress could stop the mass shootings.
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Having background checks on gun owners could have. Or, the impossible, gun control for all citizens.
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they have become.... The Onion. like "holy shit man walks on fucking moon" this is "holy shit the new york times has absolutely gone fucking bonkers"
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It took just ONE mass shooting in Australia.... and peace for the next 30 years
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We need serious help.
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You’re not relying on “experts”.
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I’m starting to understand how the nazi’s got in power the first time, it’s all just so fucking absurd and fast
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Our gun laws make that headline true.
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Art imitates life Life imitates art
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No one could have predicted this
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You ceased being satire and became the Oracle of Delphi a long time ago, around the time of the first real five blade razor.
Fuck Everything, We're Doing Five Blades
Would someone tell me how this happened? We were the fucking vanguard of shaving in this country. The Gillette Mach3 was the razor to own. Then the other guy came out with a three-blade razor. Were we...
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Onion ought to be required reading in j-school
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How can you argue with Experts?
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You should sue them for plagiarism. 🤦♂️
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When fiction is stranger than truth… Ffs🤦♂️
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Chappelle said it best, but let's amend it. If you want gun control; every able bodied person of color needs to arm and then open carry. They'll change those laws real quick. Only reason open carry is illegal in California is because the Black Panthers exercised that right.
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I get it. Mental health stuff, gun control, that just can’t be done Just because the rest of the first world countries do it doesn’t mean it’s possible
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🤣😖
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so what do cops do???? lol
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Yep No way to prevent something that just about only happens in the U.S.
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Did they miss the part about gun control laws???
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Nearly 🤬🤬🤬🤬
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I keep saying, the only way to end all mass shootings is to make sure the next one happens in the Senate, or Congress, during a sitting. Gun control will happen pretty fuckin' quick when the politicians are casting their votes in a room indelibly stained with their predecessors' blood.
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Ridiculous
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NOTHING CAN BE DONE?!!?!!
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My favorite onion headline lol
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😡😡😡😡😡🤯
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new york times is a collaborator with the regime.
#vichyjornalism
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How about proper gun controls. Just a thought.
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They should have stopped him from walking down the street and into the building with an assault weapon!!!!!! The New York Times is compromised!
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It could have been prevented by banning assault style weapons.
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Another civilian with access to a military weapon. What could go wrong?
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are you worried that the nyt is going into satire? is there enough room for the both of you
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If it was impossible to prevent why do such mass killings only occur in the US?
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If MAGA senators like Kennedy are saying gun laws, mental health evaluations and yearly re-tegistering guns isn’t at least “solutions” to avoid taking high powered weapons away, how about every public building put in metal detectors and bag and body searches to thwart mass shooters?
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First they wrote the article, which makes the important point that if red states with lax gun laws are handing out AR-15s, NY’s much tougher gun laws won’t prevent this. I know it’s become trendy to hate the NYT, but yeesh.
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Deja vu 😢
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Kamtchatka Earthquake Was Nearly Impossible To Prevent.
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Nearly Impossible?
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My politics has been boiled down to full opposition to the death is inevitable" people
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@nytimes.com : REALLY?
You fucking cowards.
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July 29, 2025: New York City shooting updates | CNN
No motive has been announced. A suicide note was found expressing grievances with the NFL and saying Tamura suffered from CTE, a source said. Follow for live updates.
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"The gunfire front just moved in"
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Maybe if we think reeeeaally hard, we can imagine a way to prevent (gun) shootings by guns.
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It's like seeing a solar eclipse.
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Gun control, end NRA. NRA owns GOP
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Would love to know the experts they cite but I’m not paying for that paper ever again.
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but but the thoughts and prayers?! They do nothing?!?!
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My unpopular opinion: no one gets guns. Police; only specially trained elite teams. Period. Don't say we can't. We haven't tried.
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It’s easy to prevent. Confiscate every fucking firearm period. It isn’t that hard.
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"When we removed every single thing we could do to prevent this, we ended up discovering we actually couldn't prevented this"
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Have they pivoted to stop and frisk as the only solution yet?
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What experts would say that?? Camera clearly shows him armed with the rifle BEFORE he enters the building. No Security? No raised alarm to the occupants?
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With the current politicians in power, I think the headline was spot on. Get some people who are willing to fight the NRA and their insane agenda and we might be able to figure out what the rest of the world has done successfully.
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Everything old is new again. Satire is reality. We’re at the crossroads of Idiocracy and Cyberpunk, with doses of WW2 ‘nostalgia’ and ‘reality is tv’ mixed in.
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I have some questions:
- Why didn't they stop and frisk?
- Why are they blaming NFL who aren't on that floor?
- Why does this headline look like the inciting incident for Minority Report?
- Are the experts Adams' astrologers?
- Why not even more guns?
- Did prayer work?
- Epstein files?
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NY’ers will understand laws won’t stop a determined criminal, only armed citizens can, by the good way or the bad way.
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I'm, uh, not happy for you.
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Why is no one talking about the Reno One? I'm so baffled. That suspect is in critical condition.
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Good grief.
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definitely sue them
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This only happens here because we allow people to own military assault rifles.
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They finally did the thing they’ve been seemingly wanting to do.
Nothing seems to matter anymore except choices Democrat politicians and decisions some women make, other than that, it’s pretty much, too bad so sad clowns.
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The onion is moving up there with the simpsons now predicting the future.
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I wonder if stricter gun laws might have helped?🤔🤬
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my god
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irony is officially dead
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New York Times falling off was impossible to prevent, experts say
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Really disgusting for Mamdani to be in another country like he doesn't even care
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The head of the NYPD released an official statement, saying, "I'm Sowwy 🥺"
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Is there a trend in NYT coverage of NYC shootings?
www.nytimes.com/2024/12/04/n...
A City of Cameras: How New York Police Are Hunting a Killer
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After Sandy Hook, we all knew nothing would change.
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and -- yup, it was just too on the nose
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they gone.
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About fricking time
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There are ~336,000,000 potential victims in the US today.
No one knows how many potential murderers there are.
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Fuck that!!!!
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11 billion dollar NYPD budget
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Hey now. Isn't this your shtick over at the Onion everytime this happens?
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OnionGPTed the headline
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Those "experts" should come up here in Canada. They might learn some things.
USA is a frigging mess at this level.
💥
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I guess it’s technically true. In a nation where there are more guns than people and the politicians are literally bought buy the gun lobby, and mental health services are in the toilet and political anger runs rampant and the police force is a joke… it is impossible to prevent.
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Hard to imagine whoever wrote this headline isn't a regular Onion reader
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I wonder who from the GOP they call in to write their headlines for them.
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Jesus tap dancing Christ.
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They’re just barely phoning it in now.
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Once again, The Onion is leading the way.
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Dumbest shit
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Absurd! Double parked on Park Ave!??? Running around in the lobby with a automatic rifle in front of armed guards? Security needed to get on an elevator? Come on!
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What “experts?”
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you can’t prevent a guy from getting his brain turned into a 7/11 slushee by his creepy high school football coach and then throwing a rock, picking up the unsupervised assault rifle the rock hits, and then deciding to find the CEO of Football and make him pay
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Sue. SUE!
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Nearly?
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Wow 🤦 date on this?
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America is not special. Pick a country with a much lower incidence of gun crime. Do everything they do and in time you too will have a much lower incidence of gun crime. Australia's gun ban in 1996 comes to mind. They are doing fine.
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They beat you to joke... and they still dont see the satire blatantly staring at them....
Australia: cough cough, right!
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Were those "experts" employees of ammunition shops, or within the management structure of the NRA, perhaps?
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reality is so stupid, beyond parody
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Impossible to prevent here in the US, in other countries... pretty possible to prevent.
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The rest of the developed world seem to prevent it every day. I wonder why that is?
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Just ban all guns
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Looks like somebody is coming for your job!
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It is preventable. But too many shareholders of gun manufacturers are making too much money to do what is needed fornit to be preventable.
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Was this an Onion headline?
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As long as republicans in congress refuse to limit war guns.
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How did this guy even walk down the street with a an assault rifle without getting stopped before he even got to the building? Crazy.
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I wish Satire in this moment a different reaction than that of Tom Lehrer. May everyone respond most eternally with What The Actual Fuck. #ripTomLehrer
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Wait, I thought they said it was going to be a problem for Mamdani. So either he’s going to fail to prevent the next one, or they are unpreventable, or ?
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You should sue them for plagiarism then drop the suit and release a statement that just says “lol not really but uhhhhhh…”
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Holy hell, Tim.
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After all the cuts, we need a headline like "can you spare a dollar, experts say"
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The "expert" they spoke with said that but the ones they didnt speak with say otherwise.
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There was literally a cop working security there. 🤦♂️
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More NRA Propaganda. New York Times doesn’t know they are a rag. A dirty right wing rag. They should change their name to “The Worst of Times.” And move the offices to Dallas. New York City deserves better than this shit.
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If only NYC had budgeted $12 billion for cops instead of $6 billion...
This probably still would have happened.
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Global T must be PISSED
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Banning assault rifles? Nope. I screen shot this a long time ago. Explains everything.
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Sue for plagiarism.
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The Onion should sue for plagiarism!
That would be a hilarious & educational court process.
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Time to prevent was at least 30 to 50 years ago.
It's gotten to be like the Python\ Florida situation only way more worse.
The tooth paste must go back into the tube because a small percentage ruin it for others
I never worry about being shot, it happens so rarely. I think the tough regulations 👍
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Wait, besides banning high-capacity rifles?
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Congrats?
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black rock should be destoyed
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Take a look at new school shooter instruction for teachers in the #stl area. Shootings exaggerated by bad media!
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Could be worse, they wanted to add "because Zohran Mamdani won the primary"
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Congratulations on your retirement, I guess.
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Yeah, all it would have taken would be common sense gun laws. smdh
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Those experts better fess up.
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wow… plagiarism…
