THE NEW SORROWSCOPES ARE HERE! TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD THAT SAY YOU’RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH
Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
22976 Followers
111 Following
Things are terrible
(we follow our contributors)
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Aries: You’ll soon have the perfect beach body. Your skin will turn to sand. The tides will wash over you. Young crabs will burrow into you. It’ll be nice.
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Taurus: All your prayers will be answered this week! The answer will be no.
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Gemini: You will think they’re human until it’s too late.
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Cancer: Spend some quality time with Mother Nature so she can remind you of how small and weak you are.
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Leo: Don’t burn any bridges this week. The arson investigator is getting closer to the truth.
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Virgo: Your loneliness won't last forever, it will die with you.
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Libra: Astrology is now the only kind of science funded in the U.S. Bad news: Your sign will be eliminated for Wokeness.
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Scorpio: Your scam of impersonating a doctor is up when everyone realizes you think EKG stands for Electronic Karate Guy.
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Sagittarius: Get ready for a week of exciting new experiences! Is what you should be telling your hands cause you're going to keep getting different gunks all over them every few hours. Weird stuff, seems almost alien. It's not though, it's just gross. And caustic.